Emergence
by ATGS
Summary: Cody has a secret. A really horrible day and some unintentional hurtful words from Zack force Cody to confront himself about his sexual identity.


**Emergence**

**A Suite Life of Zack and Cody Fanfic**

**Suite Life is copyright Walt Disney. This is a work of fan appreciation only. I own nothing.**

14 year old Cody Martin stood in his blue flannel pajamas in the bathroom of his family's suite looking intently at himself in the bathroom mirror, hands firmly clasped on either side of the bathroom sink.

He didn't move. Just stood and stared at himself.

The bathroom was dark. The only source of light was a small nightlight on the middle of the wall to the right of the sink. He could see well enough even if it wasn't there, though. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness.

He stared at himself in the mirror, at the false twin image of himself. What he saw reflected there was not the same Cody Martin that the rest of the world knew and saw.

He only saw an abomination. A doppelganger. He looked ugly to himself. He hated himself immensely.

It's not that he actually thought he was physically bad looking. What he saw as ugly was not his outside physical appearance. He was seeing past the facade. He was seeing past the image he had been trying so hard to build and maintain in front of others and himself. Today had been a bad day. A really bad day. More than ever before as he looked into the mirror he could see the truth staring back at him just a little stronger than before, and the truth was ugly to him.

He felt as if he were at an epiphany. Like he was finally on the verge of admitting it to himself.

Admitting it to yourself was the first step, they said. Once you did that, then you could choose to divulge your newly confessed truth to the world and live with the consequences of your confession, or you could choose to simply hide it and live in silent pain for the rest of your life.

Of course, you could also deny the truth to yourself and try living out your life based off a lie. Wasn't that what he had already been doing? He felt pretty miserable.

_No. No._

Yes, he was on the verge of confessing it to himself. But he didn't want to. Couldn't.

He closed his eyes and tried thinking of Barbara. Of Addison. Of Betty. Of Matilda. All the prettiest girls in school. He tried imagining himself with them in various scenes in which he was in heated make-out sessions with each one of them.

_Nothing. I feel nothing. Why do I feel nothing?_

In his fantasy, he was going at it with Matilda. Thinking about her pretty, long, curly brown hair, her smooth lips, and tight gorgeous body.

His tongue was in her mouth and their hands were in each other's hair. Their bodies were pressed close as they passionately grinded up against each other.

_Yes... this is it... this is the way things ought to be..._

Fantasy Cody pulled away from the make-out session briefly to look into Fantasy Matilda's eyes and was horrified to see that Fantasy Matilda was no longer Matilda anymore but Fantasy Jake.

_NO! _

_No no no no no no!_

Cody slammed his fist hard into the side of the sink. His hand was going to smart later, but he didn't care. Breathing heavily, he held his head in his hands and shook it violently as he slowly sank down onto the floor.

He tried to kick the fantasy out of his head, but now that it was already there, it was unstoppable. He wanted to be rid of it, but there was something else, something much deeper, that pushed him hard to continue the fantasy.

He was trying to push it out of his mind completely. But he was losing the battle.

In the fantasy, Jake had resumed the passionate make out session and was kissing him hard now. They were in the middle of the school hallway, alone. Even though Cody knew this was the last place he would ever want to fathom something like this taking place, he found that he didn't have much control over where his mind was deciding to take him.

Jake was furiously attacking Cody's mouth with his lips and tongue. Cody found himself melting in Jake's arms in a way he never would have been able to with Matilda. He was putty in Jake's embrace. He reached up to grab Jake's hair and returned the kissing with a fiery passion.

Jake made a sudden movement and slammed Cody up against the lockers. Fantasy Cody didn't protest, but instead welcomed the roughness and sweet, brief rush of pain that pulsed throughout his body. He wanted Jake to be rougher...

Then the scene abruptly shifted to Cody's bedroom. Jake was shoving Cody down on his bed, then was on top of him, kissing his neck, moving his hand up Cody's shir...

_NO!_

Cody was lying in the fetal position on the floor. He was crying now.

Why? Why did this keep happening to him?

Dare he admit it? Dare he admit that he was actually...?

Cody tried to throw the mental image out of his head. He tried once more to imagine Matilda instead of Jake. He tried imagining kissing her in his fantasy like he had been kissing Jake. And it made him want to throw up.

Cody reached up and grasped the sink, slowly pulling himself up.

He looked at himself in the mirror again and was even more horrified now at the image he saw.

"No!" He whispered angrily to himself, tears still coming to his eyes. "I can't be like this! I just can't! This isn't the way I'm supposed to be!"

When he had first hit puberty, everything had seemed alright at first. He had gone on a few dates. He had even received his first kiss from a girl! But for some reason, things had never gone any farther than that. He really hadn't been able to explain why; neither to the girls he had dated, nor to himself. It wasn't them. It was him. It was like there was some kind of mental block in his mind that he just couldn't explain.

It had begun to dawn on him more as time went on. It wasn't girls that got him all hot and bothered. It was guys. This had profoundly disturbed him. He had tried to push it out of his head right then and there. He was determined that he wasn't going to be gay! He was going to be straight! A ladies man! Like Zack! It was _his_ choice!

But it kind of wasn't. Cody never fantasized about girls. He couldn't. He tried. But his fantasies always found themselves going back to the boys at school.

Jake, the real Jake that Cody so often fantasized about, was openly gay. And single.

Jake was always nice to Cody. Of course, Jake was always nice to everybody. But he always seemed extra nice to Cody in particular. Cody wasn't sure if he was just imagining it or if it was just wishful thinking.

Cody usually went out of his way to avoid Jake. He didn't want to, but he had determined he wasn't going to give into his unnatural desires. He was going to beat this at all costs.

But he never could.

He had seen Jake this afternoon. They were on opposite sides of the hallway. Jake had seen Cody across the hallway and smiled brightly, waving at him.

Cody usually returned such gestures, but he couldn't today. His thoughts about Jake had been at their all-time strongest this morning. He'd been so upset over it he couldn't think.

Seeing Jake on this particular day, and that warm, kind way he had smiled at him nearly caused him to crack.

Cody didn't smile or wave back. He immediately did an about face and starting walking really fast in the opposite direction.

His brain had been a blur at that point. He walked past a janitorial closet. Deciding it would be the most preferable place to be at during his current state of mind, he looked around to see if anyone else was looking in his direction and then discreetly slipped in.

He had started sobbing.

He had cried for two reasons. One, because he could not control or repress his pent up feelings. And two, because he knew Jake had seen his reaction, and he was now thinking of how Jake had probably taken it.

What if Jake really did have a crush on him like he'd been secretly hop... thinking? And now, he had gone and blown that. Jake's feelings were probably hurt. Cody would probably run into him tomorrow, see him with some other guy, and his heart would...

No! He wasn't able to let himself think of that! His heart had felt like it was breaking in two at the very thought!

Cody had passed by Jake toward the end of the school day. Cody had been so lost in thought he hadn't realized Jake was even there in the crowded student hallway. He eventually noticed Jake, instantly feeling the sudden deep pangs of hurt assaulting his entire being, but Jake didn't even look at him. This made Cody feel like crying again.

Zack told him he looked upset on the way home. Cody had denied it, but Zack didn't seem to buy it.

_Zack..._

The thought of his brother brought another surge of rage through Cody.

Cody had been hurting badly that evening. But he and Zack were playing Alien Kung Fu Slamma Jamma on their video game console. The rush of competition and time spent with his brother had been helping take his mind off his problems. Then he and Zack had started getting a little too competitive and things had ended up devolving into a wrestling match in which they started shooting off typical good natured insults at each other until Zack suddenly let loose with one that was unforgivable: "Bring it on, faggot!"

Those words had felt as if they had struck Cody at the very center of his soul. He almost lost control of himself again.

Zack noticed Cody's hesitancy, but misunderstanding it completely, had laid in some more.

"What's the matter? You want some more or not? Come on and take it like a man! Unless you like to take it like a girl!"

Cody had slugged him. Hard.

He realized what he had done the moment after his punch had connected and a very shocked Zack had gone reeling, a little bit of blood in his mouth.

"What the HELL...?" Zack said angrily.

_Oh crap shouldn't have done that shouldn't have done that!_

Zack had leapt up and with a punch of his own connected his fist with Cody's face. The force of Zack's punch was so hard that Cody fell to the floor on his back. All Cody was able to do was just lay there, stunned, looking up at Zack and trying to make sense of all that had just transpired. Zack's eyes were anger (hate) filled.

Cody had wanted to cry. Instead got up and headed for their room.

"Just lay off me!" he had said weakly, barely able to muster his voice to say anything at all.

"Lay off YOU? YOU'RE the one who got super competitive you punched me hard in the face! HEY!" Zack had yelled at him.

"DON'T TALK TO ME!" Cody had yelled as he entered their room and slammed the door hard.

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN? WHAT'S BEEN UP WITH YOU TODAY?"

Cody hadn't been able to answer. He jumped onto his bed and laid on his side. He didn't move for several hours. He didn't cry. He had been feeling so much hurt on the inside he wasn't able to process anything. Zack didn't come in the room after him and hardly acknowledged him the rest of the day.

Cody had laid on his bed until Carey had arrived home and fixed "dinner".

The dinner table had been more awkwardly silent than usual. Carey hadn't realized both him and Zack had bruises on their faces until they were all sitting together. She was a little livid over the fact they had gotten into a fight where they had bruised each other, but she couldn't get either of them to tell her what it was all about.

Zack wasn't able to tell her because he honestly didn't have a clue. And Cody wasn't able to tell her because... well, he just wasn't able to say. Carey had told them they had until tomorrow evening to sort out their differences or they were both grounded.

Cody had felt his brothers' eyes on him the entire meal. Cody hadn't been able look him in the face.

Zack hadn't spoken to him the rest of the night. He had spent the rest of the night playing his game by himself, and Cody had spent it on his laptop.

When 10' o clock came around, they both climbed into their beds without a single word to each other. Zack drifted off to sleep within minutes. Cody wasn't able to. He was still too upset.

Cody would not be able to explain to Zack why he had done what he did. Ever.

Zack's words still rang sharply in his head:

_"Bring it on, faggot!"_

It was an insult. A playful insult, but an insult nevertheless. It was meant to imply that being gay somehow meant that Cody was less human. At least, that was the way he felt.

_"What's the matter? You want some more or not? Come on and take it like a man! Unless you like to take it like a girl!"_

He couldn't explain how Zack's words, playful though they had been, had brought on such sudden, indescribable, emotional pain.

It was at that moment that Cody's real identity had shown through to himself. At least in his subconscious, he finally confessed to himself who he really was. And he hurt.

Zack's epithet was not merely just a humorous insult. It was an attack on his identity. It was a rejection of him for being who he was. It didn't matter if Zack knew who he really was or not.

Cody looked at himself in the mirror and started to laugh. It was not the laugh of humor. His laughs were as silent as he could possibly make them since he didn't want to wake anybody.

"I'm gay." he whispered to himself in the mirror and then laughed some more.

So, that was it, was it? The jig was up? He had finally confessed it to himself?

His mind still didn't want to believe it. But his subconscious was telling him otherwise. His subconscious had been telling him for a very long time.

He slowly collapsed to the ground again. He curled up into a ball in the fetal position.

"I'm gay." he whispered again to himself.

_Yeah... that's why it hurts so bad. So much._

Cody didn't want to be gay. He wanted to be normal. He wanted to fit in. He wanted to be accepted by society.

Now, because of this, he would be an outcast. If people knew, if anybody ever figured him out, he would be constantly made fun of and ridiculed.

He already had to put up with frequent bullying because he was a nerd. He could only imagine what he would have to go through if his true sexual identity became known.

And Zack...

_Zack has already rejected me._

Technically, he actually hadn't yet. But he would. Cody knew it.

He imagined confessing his secret to Zack. He imagined the disgusted look Zack would surely have on his face. His and Zack's relationship would be torn apart. Zack probably wouldn't even want to sleep in the same room with him anymore, and then the ridicule wouldn't end at school. He could only imagine the torrent of insults he would have to put up with at home from Zack.

After all, Zack had already shown EXACTLY what he thought of gays, obviously. Cody didn't think he could handle being hated by his brother. As much of an ass as Zack could be sometimes, he was the closest thing in the world to Cody. Being hated by Zack would be unbearable.

Cody closed his eyes. The scene with Jake returned.

Cody found himself longing now for his fantasy to NOT be fantasy, but reality. He wanted to go to school tomorrow, find Jake first thing, apologize, and tell him how he really felt.

But he couldn't do such a thing without cluing Zack into the fact that his baby brother was in fact an actual "faggot."

Cody didn't even want to think about what his parents would think of him. How disappointed they would probably be.

He could tell Jake his feelings. Jake might reciprocate. Then Cody would find himself in a fulfilling relationship for once. But as a result, he would be hated by everyone he cared about and persecuted even further at school.

Or he could just keep it all to himself. Be accepted in life. By society. Lose Jake. Never get married. Live his life alone. Never experience love. Never feel intimacy with another human being. Always secretly feeling forever miserable on the inside.

There was just no way he could win.

Cody managed to pull himself up one last time and slowly trudged back to his bedroom.

He looked over at Zack's bed. Zack was sleeping contentedly, smiling in his sleep. The bruise where Cody had slugged him was still very noticeable even though it was dark in the room.

Cody started feeling angry again, but it was less anger now and mostly a very deep hurt.

Cody turned away from his brother, pulled himself into his bed on his side, and pulled the covers all the way over the top of his head.

Tomorrow he was going to have to make a decision. Either way, he was sure it was going to hurt like hell.

He wanted to just fall asleep and forget, if for only a blissful short time, that this day had actually happened. But then the sobs started to come. They were heavy. He was trying to be as silent as he possibly could, but he had officially lost all control.

"Cody? CODY!" Zack's voice was saying over him in an elevated whisper.

Cody felt his comforter being pulled back.

Shit.

He had been too loud. He had woken Zack up.

"Cody? What's wrong?"

Zack sounded genuinely concerned. As Cody turned to look up into Zack's face, he could see actual worry etched in his brother's face. The anger from earlier seemed to be long gone.

_Worried, is he?_ Cody thought. _Well, let's see just how long he's worried! Let him know. Let him know his brother is a stupid little "faggot" after all! Might as well! Might as well hurry up get the rejection over with! I'm sure I won't be able to hide it forever anyways. Why not? I'll tell him! Then he can hurt me. Hurt me like the worthless little faggot I am!_

In between heavy sobs, Cody simply looked up into his brother's eyes and said: "I'm gay."

Zack's face took on a look of confusion, then shock, then finally lit up as he suddenly put two and two together and it dawned on him. "Oh, God." he said.

Here it comes. Cody thought. He was prepared for whatever was about to happen. He just hoped it came and went quickly.

Zack sat down on the bed, grabbed Cody, and gently pulled him into a hug.

"I'm sorry, Cody. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize... I mean... I didn't mean what I said the way I did earlier. I didn't know!"

Zack sat there, holding him, not moving the rest of the night, as Cody continued to sob, and feeling the pain beginning to wash away from his soul for the first time in nearly a year.

_**End.**_


End file.
